Falling
by MrsPadfootProngs
Summary: SR and JL  Sirius Black has been taught many lessons in his life the most important being never to fall in love, can a certain werewolf change his mind? Slash


Falling

By

Mrs PadfootProng

Chapter One

Sirius Black

_Disclaimer – __None of the character featured in this chapter belong to me in any fashion, they belong to the creator._

_Author Note – __I've been away for a while which I must apologies for. Half blood prince killed my love of writing Harry Potter for a while and its taken book 7 to reinstate it, even though my favourite couple were sort of blown out the water. I can't promise regular updates because it's unfortunately not possible, my real life takes up nearly all my time. However the chapter will be worth it when they are so please me patient._

_This is done in Sirius's own thoughts so it might be different from what you think of him, his inner thoughts will be different from what he portrays to the rest of the world as you will see from the next chapter. It might be dark in places but please bare with it._

People always turn round and say that love will hit you when you least expect it; when you either have given up or you just don't care anymore. There are people in this world who long for that feeling with every fibre of themselves, who spend their whole lives looking only to be disappointed and broken when they end up without it. They spend their lives alone or worse with second best leaving them unhappy and bitter, often warping their personalities until they are unrecognisable from what they used to be.

Apparently my mother was one of those people, Walburga Black, the popular Slytherin, Seeker of the Quidditch team bringing them victory until she was made Quidditch captain. People who remember who said that she was actually quite nice, that she used to smile a lot and laugh for sheer pleasure of being on a broom. She fell in love with a Slytherin from another pureblood family but that union was disallowed due to an arrange marriage with my dad who was a few years younger then her. After that she changed becoming obsessed with the Black name and honour. I suppose in a way it was all she had left.

I had vowed never to fall in love with anyone; I had no desire to change, to become bitter and angry with the world. I wanted to remain Sirius. Cupid could point his stupid arrow at me all he liked I was paying no heed to it. That's probably the reason I have such a reputation as a playboy and perhaps I was one. If you allow yourself to settle down with one person, begin spending your time with them then you might find yourself enjoying their company, feelings of like will follow and then before you knew it you were in love with them and then vulnerable to the crippling hurt that accompanied love. It was best to leave them before this happened. You can't fall in love if you are not with the person.

It's different if you feel passion or lust towards a person. Those emotions are easier to deal with then love and less likely to hurt you. You look at someone, decide you like them, perhaps woo them with a date or two and then you're in bed with them. When the fucking is over you're both left satisfied and then that's it. No strings attached. Those three simple words form a sentence which acts almost as a barrier against everything else. I've lusted after people and they've lusted after me, I suppose its normal in 16 nearly 17 year old, if they wants something from me then who am I to withhold it?

I'm not completely heartless or closed towards the thought of love, indeed once I even felt it when I was much younger before the cold seemed to encase my heart. I used to love my family more then I thought possible. I used to love my mum when a glimmer of the girl she used to be still existed, when she used to look into my eyes with eyes identical to mine and smile at me. Not a twisted smile or a bitter smile but a nice one, like a mother might give their eldest child when they had a secret together.

She even hugged me occasionally when my father wasn't there to remind her that hugging was not the Black way of showing affection. Those smiles and hugs stopped the minute the sorting hat put me into Gryffindor. I still remember the Howler she sent me, the curses and scream and echoed round the hall. The only good thing it did was make the other Gryffindor accept me into their midst, shame I had to lose my mother for it.

I never loved my Dad, nor liked him for that matter and yet in some twisted way I did respect him, it was hard not to. He was such an impressive figure. 6 foot 4, built like a boxer. People would look at him and either subtly run for it or quiver in a corner, wherever he went people did his bidding. Whatever Orion Black wanted he got, whether by charm or intimidation for he was very charming, much like me. He seemed to have a deal he left me alone, I left him alone and we were happy. He had an heir, what else did he care about?

Then there was Regulus, the image of my mother with the same brown-gold eyes as my father, he was slight though like mother, I resembled my father except for the eyes. We grew apart though, he allowed himself to be warped into the perfect Black child and I didn't after that we had nothing in common with each other; brotherly love went out the window in an instant. I still looked out for him occasionally. He was after all my brother.

I do have my friends though and I suppose if I could love anyone then it would be them. They are my family and I chose them, all of them and that means more to me then any blood connection could ever do.

The first one I met on the train was James Potter or Prongs as he became known once his animagus transformation showed him as a regal Stag. If the Marauders had a leader then it would be him. He was nice to look at I suppose, tall and slim with a quidditch toned body from his position as the first chaser. Messy Black hair that was impossible to tame, twinkling hazel eyes that always looked wicked, good features and a wide laughing mouth people stared at him. People liked him, he wasn't physically imposing like my father but his personality was. He walked into a room and people stopped what they were doing to look at him not because they had to but because something about him made them want to. They wanted to know what would come out of his mouth next. What he was planning.

He was loyal to me and a good listener which was often what I needed when I had a rant building up inside of me. He was my partner in crime with a mind that could meet mine in the middle. That's not to say that he didn't have his bad points because he did. He was extremely arrogant and foolhardy and he held a concrete belief that people were beneath him, that he was better then them all. He often referred to himself as the King of Gryffindor. He had a rash, blunt way of speaking barely caring if we hurt anyone in the process. He was chasing Lily Evans like a man possessed so who knows what would happen if she finally got her, he'd probably changed.

Then there was Peter Pettigrew, he was a small quiet boy with rat like features set in a rounded face, he had thick blond hair and smallish grey-blue eyes. He wasn't exactly fat but nor was he slim either. He was often difficult to tell what he was thinking as his face was often blank of expression. Sometimes it's hard to know why he is one of us but we couldn't really imagine him not being there. He was very loyal like James though his support was more the silent kind, the type you can feel rather then hear. Sometimes it seems as if our personalities overtake his, making his seem quieter then he was but he chose to be with us. I wondered occasionally whether he did it for protection, it did after all take either an extremely brave or stupid person to take on Potter and Black.

There was occasionally a look of worship in his eyes that made me feel uncomfortable and yet at the same time superior to him, I loved the extra attention, loved people trying to impress me. It gave a feeling of power. He wasn't as intelligent as us, still intelligent but just not as good as us. We tended to overlook him whether we meant to or not.

Then there was Remus Lupin, the last one who came into our little group. He was average height bordering on tall and slim bordering on skinny. His hair was blond with a slight curl to it but was slowly darkening to a lighter brown colour. His fringe was too long falling constantly into his eyes so he constantly had to brush it away. He had a slim oval face and was extremely pale. He had a perfect mouth, bottom lip being slightly fully then the top, a slightly small straight nose and large eyes. They were a strange colour. A sort of green-blue with hints of gold and silver in them, a sign of the dormant wolf in him. The closer to the full moon got the more prominent the gold and silver was till they almost blocked out his natural colour. It was like a swirl of colour that people were affected by whether they wanted to be or not, One glance into those eyes and I was willing to jump off a cliff if he commanded it.

He was the best one out of all of us but it remained unspoken but known of, much like his furry little problem as James called it. He was kind and overly generous always giving what was his and expecting nothing in return… well nearly nothing. If he brought you a drink then he expected whoever it was to be polite and buy his next drink in return. If he helped you with his homework then you owed him something though he never indicated what, it was up to you to figure it out. He was highly intelligent and bright with aa wit and sarcastic tongue to match.

He had it in to be moody and could sulk for England not to mention he occasionally fly off into rages that made our temper tantrums seem like a baby's attempt. He was selfish as well in certain aspects, He couldn't share his food with anyone, and if you tried he growled at you, the swirling eyes predicting death if you tried it again. If he was angry and it was directed at you, you feared for your life, it really was as simple as that. He despised people being late, he hated being told what to do by anyone and he couldn't stand being interrupted when he was speaking but regardless of that he was remarkably patient and caring. He was extremely complicated and yet it didn't seem to matter.

We are becoming 5 though as Miss Lily Evans begins to be dragged into our little group, much against her will and common sense. Its not really a conscious thought on anyone's part, it just seems natural. She is one of Remus's closest friends; James is in love with her though he isn't ready to admit that part of it to himself. Peter admires her and seems to worship her from afar. I'm wary of her, of the difference and damage she could bring to my chosen family but there's something about her frankness and the honest light in her green eyes that I'm drawn to. She is more real and flawed then all of us and yet it makes her more human as well.

Extremely pretty with long wavy red hair, oval shaped green eyes set in a heart shaped face she was tall and slim and the Quidditch Seeker since the 3rd year. She was extremely blunt and forthright with views and beliefs which seemed almost stupid in the Wizarding world but which she clung to with the same stubbornness she clung to everything else in her life. Once you were her friend that was it, she would never let you go. She believed that James was an egotistical prat whose head was far too big for him own good but his heart was strangely in the right place. She believed that I was a prat who never thought of anything other then his latest conquest to add to his latest tally but that I was warm natured and loyal beneath it all. She believed that Remus was a gullible idiot whose need to be liked would be his downfall and yet she too fell under his spell. She believed that Peter needed to be free to get his own personality but that his loyalty was an honourable quality to have. She was warm and caring with a sharp humour that none but Remus could understand but I couldn't imagine her not being here now.

So I guess that I could love them if I'd allow myself to feel it. I'd lie to protect them all, hex and kill anyone who harms them in anyway. Anything I could possibly do for them I would do but I'm incapable of love even for them. James is my best friend, my partner in crime, my brother in everything bar blood. Lily my hot tempered, honest sister who constantly smacks my ego down when it deserves it. Peter was my loyal friend who would never betray me and Remus, Remus was someone who could bring me to the heights of happiness and the depth of despair with a single look, his happiness was always placed above my own. One day I hope to get over this feeling and hopefully he'll be waiting for me and if not...well I'll decide that part later.

**Author Note – There we go chapter one rewritten, reviews are always pleasant to receive so if you liked it then please comment. Flames however are not pleasant so please don't bother if that's what you want to do. As I said at the beginning I'm not sure when the next chapter will be up, its written but needs plenty of work. I'm hoping next week but I can't promise anything. :0(**


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